A Christmas Story

OK, so I was asked to write a story by my apparent new-best-friend Meghan. So I did the first little bit, then enlisted (My friend who wishes to remain anonymous for his own reasons)'s help. Here's what we came up with:


Ethan was laying in his bed. Pretending to be asleep. It was Christmas Eve. Almost midnight, now. Ethan lay there. Waiting. He was your average ten-year-old. A little fat, but hey, what's new? Ethan had been preparing for this night for weeks. He'd figured it all out. His parents were Santa! At first, this realization crushed Ethan. But eventually, he began to see it as an opportunity. Being the fatty he was, he was going to sneak out of his room and to their tree, once his parents had gone to bed. Being the fatty he was, he was planning on stealing the cookies. His watch alarm went off. It was time. He slid out of bed and into the hallway. He crept down the stairs, like a fat little ninja. Finally, he reached the living room and saw the cookies. Sweet, sweet victory. He began to stuff his face right away. Suddenly, he heard something. His parents? No, this sound was.....well, it was something he'd never heard before. It was as if someone was on the roof. But that's crazy! Who would be on his roof on Christmas Eve! He went back to eating his cookies, but only briefly before hearing something else. This came from behind Ethan. He slowly turned, the hair on his neck standing on end. A rustle, and then a crash. When the smoke and dust from the chimney cleared, Ethan saw him.

He couldn't believe it! It was SANTA! Right there, in Ethan's own living room. He was fully decked out in his red robes and everything! Santa stood up and dusted himself off, then he noticed Ethan. He gave a jolly grin and a "Ho, Ho, H-". He stopped. "Hey, are you eating my cookies!?" Ethan slowly nodded. "Why you little fatty!"

Santa jumped on the boy releasing a sudden cry. He proceeded to whip out two crude elf blades and with a quick slash managed to hack off one of poor little Ethan’s fat rolls. Ethan, mortally wounded and losing blood by the gallons, somersaulted out of the way with the agility of a small, retarded, three legged, blind, hairless, cat. Now out of harm's way, Ethan scurried to the kitchen in search of weaponry. He opened the first cabinet and found four shurikens. "This will never do," he exclaimed, and hurled them wildly away. Luckily, one of them managed to puncture the lung of his dog, Barney. Ethan had to act fast, as it wouldn’t be long before- oh wait, never mind, Santa had already reached the kitchen. Ethan, in a state of panic, looked under the sink and found an array of disinfectant sprays and rat poison. He picked them up and threatened to kill Santa. Santa stopped and began to laugh at the futile attempts at life this unusual little boy was trying to accomplish.

While he was doing so, Ethan suddenly leaped toward him with a series of front flips spraying the deadly poison into his eyes. Santa became partially blinded. He tried to hack the boy into pieces but his vision was a blur. Not to mention, Ethan had watched the entire series of "Highlander" the day before (it was a special on TNT), so he was accustomed to this sort of thing. With the upper hand, Ethan ran to the sink and turned the water on (don't worry, he had something up his sleeve). Meanwhile, Santa was still flailing around shouting a number of profanities. Ethan ran to the toaster and threw it in the sink, then the microwave, and then his easy bake oven which he had received from his Aunt Beth at birth (she thought his parents would have a girl..pft, guess not). He ran to the china cabinet and started throwing all of the priceless dish ware at Santa, slowly corning him into the electrified death trap. Santa shouted, "MY EYES ARE ACTUALLY BURNING THEMSELVES INTO MY BRAIN!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!" He stumbled for a moment and then found the sink. "Thank goodness," he said. Santa dunked his face into the water, receiving 14 million volts of electricity (13 million coming from the easy bake oven alone). Ethan turned away from the horrifying sight. Santa’s body shot across the room leaving a path of destruction and assorted entrails. The room went deathly quiet. Ethan crept toward the mutilated, smoldering carcass of the once jolly old fat man. He knelt down beside him and unleashed a fury of punches and shanks. The body just laid there motionless. The boy, now out of breath, stood up and headed towards the bathroom to attend his wounds.

He limped into the bathroom and shut the door. As he turned to the mirror, a rain of terror swept over him. There, right behind him, with a nail gun, was Santa. A really, really pissed off Santa. Ethan tried to scream, but Santa covered his mouth. He nailed Ethan’s chubby feet to the ground and laid his face on the toilet seat. Shouts for mercy came crying out of Ethan, but after receiving 14 million volts of electricity, Santa wasn’t in the mood. He raised his big ol’ boot and curb stomped the little fatty into the toilet. Teeth, blood, and tears covered the bathroom floor. Santa lowered his head and whispered, "Merry Christmas, motha -" but was cut off when Ethan turned his head spat in Santa’s face. "I’ll never give up!" he cried. Santa shook his head, "I am going to inflict so much pain upon you this day! When I am done, you will be on your knees begging for mercy! You will regret you had ever been born! You will wish you had never crawled out of the sanctity that was your mother’s womb! On this day you will experience a whole new world of pain! Nay, a whole new spectrum of pain! Like a rainbow! A beautiful rainbow of PAIN!"

Fortunately for Ethan, he had gone unconscious half way through. Santa sighed, "I grow tired of this setting. I think I will take you back to my place where I shall have my way with you! Ho ho ho!" He hurled the body onto his back and carried it to the living room fireplace. Before he could escape with the boy, a voice called out to him, "Santa! What the f*** are you doing here?" Santa turned around- there stood Ethan’s parents. "We were doing just fine before you f***ing came along! Little Ethan didn’t suspect a thing! And what’s this? You ate our f***ing cookies!?" They were obviously pissed (and atheists, by the way). Santa shrugged and said, "Did you really think you would be able to keep up the Santa act for that long? You're both so naive. Oh well, I guess I have to kill the two of you now. What a drag." The parents turned to each other and smiled. The Dad looked back sharply at Santa and said, "I think killing us will be a little harder than you think." Little did Santa know that both of Ethan’s parents were Kung Fu masters...and they were black.

Santa, unaware of this, assumed his defensive stance and readied himself for the parents attack. The battle was so freaking epic, like the final battle in the Lord of the Rings. Spears, bullets, rocks, Haduken!'s, beams of energy, small plastic objects, pieces of metal, a box with every last copy of Mandy Moore’s greatest hits, Connors, midgets, encyclopedias, pencils, knives, and orphans were all used in various fashions. The battle lasted into the wee hours of the night.

Almost dawn. The rain was coming down hard now. Santa was tired. His robes had become quite heavy due to the moisture. There was no more running. It had to end here. Now. He looked across the roof. There stood Ethan and his parents. The father stood in front, protecting his family. Santa didn't want to kill them. But he had to. They had to die. It was as it had been foretold. Santa slowly reached behind his back and pulled out a 9-mil pistol. Instantly, the father's expression went blank. He stepped forward, holding out his hand, as if to stop the bullet. "Now, hold on, Santa, nobody has to die her-" The gunshot stopped him. Actually, the bullet stopped him. He grabbed his chest and fell to the ground, dead. Reality sunk into Ethan's mom. "David!!" She ran to him, but did not reach him. Santa got her right between the eyes. She slumped next to David's body. Things were quiet. Ethan just stood there silently. He looked at Santa. One tear slid down his cheek. "No. Not like this." He ran towards Santa, screaming. Crying. Santa yelled for him to stop. He didn't want to kill the boy. Just as Ethan reached Santa, he fired. Ethan stopped. He looked at his stomach, the blood. Then back at Santa. "I looked up to you," he said. Then his eyes rolled back, and he joined his parents. Santa fell to his knees and began to cry. He lay there, crying, for a good hour. Realizing all of his sanity was finally gone. What would Mrs. Clause think? It was over. He couldn't cover this one up. Things had gotten too messy. It was over. He realized this was the end of the line. So he decided to go out with a bang. That was the night. The night Santa went crazy.

And finally, we leave you with this video, showing the aftermath of that fateful night. Showing you this aftermath....in SONG!

Just some thoughts.....

OK, so first off, being not-grounded is quite nice. I've been slacking off on posting blogs for a while, but I've been extremely busy. So I'm just gonna mention lots of different things here.

First off, the weekend before this last one, I saw Dan In Real Life. Twice. Man, it's a really good movie. It's kinda like The Invisible in the sense that it got very little publicity, and that it owned. I just like Steve Carell too much to have passed it up. And Dane Cook did a pretty good job in it, too! So yeah, I recommend you go see it. Definitely worth it.

Then, this weekend, I saw I Am Legend. Twice. I have to say, I'm giving Best Movie of the Year to this one. Will Smith continues to be an amazing actor, and since pretty much the movies success in its entirety is put on his shoulders, I'd have to say he did fantastical. I mean, this movie had it all. Gorgeous CGI effects, nice scares, comedy, and overall depressing, yet meaningful points. You really get the feel of how lonely he is. And, for the first time in SEVEN YEARS, I cried while watching this movie. I couldn't help it. But go watch it, you'll understand why. I give it a 10/10. Oh, and if you have a chance to see it in Imax, do it.

OK, now on to what's been going on in my personal life. Dang. School's been kick'n me in the balls lately. Finals are tomorrow and Wednesday, then we're out of school. And it's killing me. Between studying, homework, sleeping, and having some down time, I'm just worn out. And I'm really ready to be done with school. Really, I can't wait until Wednesday. Lock out, baby! It's gonna be the balls. I can't wait to see Taylor, Joe, and all of them. But mostly Taylor. And me and Joe are gonna have to catch up on our sexy-times.

All in all, I'm just ready for a break. I'm extremely exhausted. I need to catch up on my quite times, and put more focus on God.

Lastly, we're working on a new project for Slubss Inc. It's a line-by-line copy of the Boy Meets World episode "And Then There Was Shawn." We're doing it at school, hopefully Wednesday when we get out early, before the lock out. So be on the look out for that, cause it should be pretty awesome.

OK, I'm done. For now. I'll probably be posting a lot more over the break and around Christmas.

Oh, and if you want to start playing airsoft with us, let me know. We got our team rules together, and they're awesome.

Remember, love is happiness.


Haha.

My Latest Story

OK, so I got pretty bored at time in Arkansas. And so by request, I started writing a story about Taylor and Chloe. I haven't gotten too far, and it's not my best ever, cause I was tired and I sort of rushed it. But still, let me know what you think. Here it is:

Untitled.

Keith Baker

Taylor was sitting on the roof. Not really doing anything, just sitting. Thinking. Waiting. She did this when she felt like she needed to get away. Away from all the chaos of her life. To an outsider she seemed like any normal girl. Normal friends, normal family, normal house, normal life. But it wasn’t. Not in the least. Very few people knew this. Even her closest friends had no idea. She was very good at hiding it.

Taylor sat there on the roof, watching the sun set. This was her favorite time of day. Twilight. She could watch the sun set and know there was indeed a God. She was deep in thought, biting her lip as she watched the last of the sun dip into the mountains in the distance. As she moved some of her long golden-brown hair out of her eyes, her phone rang. She answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey Taylor! I’m almost at your house.” It was Chloe, one of Taylor’s closest friends. She was to come over that night. They were planning on going to the mall with some other friends, maybe watch a movie. Be normal.

“Cool, I’ll meet you outside and we can leave.” Chloe didn’t have a car yet, so she had to ride with Taylor.

Taylor hopped off of the roof onto her deck and went inside. After grabbing her shoes and her car keys she headed out the front door just as Chloe was reaching her house.

“Ready?” Taylor asked, opening the car door.

“Yeah, let’s go!” Chloe answered.

So they were off to the mall. And it was the last normal thing either of them would do for a long, long time.”

The two had a pretty good time at the mall. They met up with some friends, had some food, the usual. It was late when they arrived back at Taylor’s house. Almost midnight.

“Alright, you just wanna stay the night?” Taylor asked.

“Sure, might as well. Do you think your parents will mind?”

“Nah, they’re probably already asleep anyways. We just gotta be quite.”

Chloe giggled and nodded and the two headed inside. The stumbled up a flight of stairs in the dark. When they reached the top, Taylor flipped on some lights. Chloe saw the bodies first.

Chloe let out a nice long scream. Taylor reacted to the noise the only way she knew how. “Chloe! I just told you to be qui-“ She was cut off by the sight of her father and mother on the living room floor. Both were dead, a clean bullet hole in each of their foreheads. Taylor didn’t scream. She didn’t really cry. Only a single tear crept down her cheek. She wiped it away with her sleeve then grabbed Chloe, who was crying, by the arm and drug her to her room.

They entered the room, and as Chloe collapsed on Taylor’s bed, Taylor closed and locked her door. “Taylor….I….I….” Chloe was at a loss for words. “It’s OK, Chloe, it’s OK.”

“What do you mean, ‘it’s OK’?? You’re parents are DEAD!!!!”

“Well thanks for the info. But I saw that.” Taylor was in deep thought, forming a plan in her mind.

“Aren’t you shocked? Aren’t you surprised? Aren’t you SAD?! Don’t you CARE??”

“Yes, of course I do. I loved them both very much, and I will miss them dearly. But now is not the time to mourn.”

“What are you talking about? Why not??”

“Did you see how they died? Did you see?”

“Ummm…there was some blood on their heads…..”

“They were both shot, in the head. Execution style.”

“So they were murdered??”

“You could say that.”

As Chloe rolled this thought over in her mind, Taylor pulled a trunk out from under her bed. She opened it and pulled out a belt. She put it on and then out came a holster.

“Hey, is that…”

“Yes, it’s a gun holster,” Taylor answered as she proceeded to pull out a gun.

“Whoa, what the heck?!” Chloe was shocked to see this large Desert Eagle .44 hand gun in the hands of her best friend.

As Taylor loaded the gun, she began to explain what was happening to Chloe.

“Look Chloe, I’m going to tell you what’s going on. But you’re going to have to accept that there are going to be things that you won’t understand, and that may seem unbelievable to you. OK?”
Chloe only nodded, too confused to formulate a response.

“Alright, here it is: I work for the government. For the CIA. My father works with them, and ever since I was little I was trained and taught in their manner. I know all different types of martial arts, I know how to fire guns and do all that good stuff. When I was twelve they started using me for assignments. Remember when I started going to visit my grandparents in Nebraska a lot?”

“Yeah…..”

“Well I wasn’t visiting anyone. I was being sent around the world on various assignments.”

“But…you were just a kid…”

“Exactly. Think about it. A kid can go places an adult can’t. They can snoop around places and if they get caught, usually a ‘I was curious’ gets them off the hook. A kid is the last thing someone would expect a spy to be.”

“Well, that makes sense but….”

“How did you not know? They’re very secretive. And I guess I am, too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I couldn’t.”

“Yeah, I understand…..I guess…But, why are your parents…”

“Well you have to understand that in my line of work I tend to piss a lot of people off quite often. People are mad enough when they get caught doing illegal things. But when a little girl is the one who catches them? Or when the little girl is the one who beats them up and puts them in hand cuffs? Then they’re PISSED.”

“So……”

“Whoever killed my parents didn’t do it cause they don’t like them. They want me dead.”

“Well that’s not good.”

“Now you’re getting it.”

By this time, Taylor had loaded two identical Desert Eagles, both on holsters on her belt, a mini P9 on her ankle, and she was holding an H&K MP5. She looked like she was ready to go to war.

Upon seeing this, Chloe felt slightly naked in the sense of self defense.

“So…..are you just gonna protect me or what? Cause there’s no way I’m staying here by myself.”

“OK, if you’re sure you want to come. It might get dangerous….”

“Hey, you need me to watch your back. Just give me a gun and let’s go.”

Taylor pulled out a shotgun and handed it to Chloe.
“You know how to use this?”

“Yeah, my dad has one. I got it.”

“Good, cause you’re probably gonna need it. Now just follow me, stay low, and don’t speak unless I say it’s OK.”

Chloe nodded, and Taylor slowly opened the door to the hallway. She cautiously entered the hallway, and started towards the front door, clearing each room as she did. They bypassed the living room, as not to see her parents again, and finally reached the door.

“OK, my guess is they left, maybe to try and find me, or maybe to get some back up. I don’t know. But they’re not in here anymore. So what do you say we make a break for my car and go to your house?”

Chloe nodded, a stern look on her face. The two exited the house and quickly made they’re way to Taylor’s car, a blue and white Mini Cooper. Taylor threw the car into reverse and swung into the road. As soon as they began to leave, a pair of headlights appeared behind them. They gained on the two girls quite quickly, and then they heard the gunshots.

“Get your head down!” Taylor screamed as the back window shattered. “Oh I KNOW you did not just shoot my car! Chloe! Drive for me!”

“Wha-“ Chloe began, but Taylor had already began to climb out her window. Chloe moved into the driver’s seat as best she could with Taylor’s butt in her face, and tried to keep the car on the road. Taylor was hanging out the window, shooting at the black SUV in pursuit of them. One of the passengers leaned out to return fire. Suddenly, Chloe was forced to swerve to the right to prevent Taylor from hitting a stop sign. The driver of the SUV didn’t see it, and the unlucky man shooting at Taylor hit it and was thrown from the vehicle.

Taylor slid back into the car as Chloe slid over and couldn’t help herself from laughing. “Did you see that?! That was awesome!” Chloe just shook her head, still dumbfounded by what was happening. Taylor began to accelerate and got onto the highway.

“I guess your house is out of the question,” Taylor said, semi-joking.

“Yeah, definitely. I don’t want to put my family in danger. But hey, isn’t there some place you can go, or like can’t you call in the government or the cavalry or something?”

“I can’t alert headquarters. But I know who we need to see. He lives about twenty minutes away.”

“Well do you want call him or something? Or will he just be expecting us?”

“We could call, but he wouldn’t answer. Don’t ask. Look, this is my battle. I can’t ask for help from Central because if I do, then they send the whole freaking Army. Then my cover’s blown, and I have to move to flippin Alaska or something. If we can just kill whoever tries to kill us, we’ll be good.”

“Are you serious? But what about your parents and all that stuff?! Come on Taylor, you can’t do this by yourself!”

“But I’m not! You’re helping me!”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Chloe chimed in. “Well if we’re going to do this, we’re gonna need more guns, don’t ya think?”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But where we’re going, we’ll get plenty of guns. And anything else we could need.”

“Really? Who is this guy?”

“He’s a spy enthusiast. Retired. He collects guns and gear and spy tools. Nothing new and amazing, but good stuff. He was my mentor.”

“But I thought you said your dad taught you all this spy stuff.”

“Exactly. The man we’re going to see is my real father.”

“What do you mean he’s your real father??”

“I mean just that: He’s my dad. The two people that were killed at my house weren’t really my parents. My biological mother died when I was two, so my dad took me in, which is how I got involved in this stuff. Those two were just the people I was living with to keep a low profile. I mean, if I was living with a single father who works for the CIA….”

“Yeah, I see….”

“But don’t get me wrong. I loved those two. They were like parents to me, and I will miss them. But I need to go see my dad about this right now.”

“OK, I understand.”

“Good.”

The SUV was back. It had left for a period of time, probably to recover it’s fallen passenger. But now it was back and it wasn’t going to give up. This time, Chloe took action. “I got this. Just keep it steady.” Taylor nodded, and Chloe opened the sun roof. She stood up, took aim with her shotgun, and fired. With her third shot she blew out the front left tire. The vehicle swerved, trying to stay on the road. Chloe continued to fire, and took out the remaining front tire in the process. The SUV swung around, throwing sparks everywhere, and flipped. Chloe entered the car with a smile. “That was fun.”

They arrived at their destination a few minutes later. It was a house located deep in a heavily wooded area, with a bumpy and rough driveway leading to it. There was one car already parked there: a small silver Solstice. “Well, he’s got a nice car,” Chloe said optimistically.

“You have no idea….”

They got out of Taylor’s car and approached the front door. Taylor turned to Chloe before ringing the bell. “OK, he’s not gonna know who you are, so just let me do all of the talking.” Chloe nodded, and Taylor rang the door bell. The man who answered the door was not exactly what Taylor was expecting. He was maybe six feet tall, with long brown hair, tied back in a pony tail. He was wearing a dirty white tee shirt and some tattered blue jeans.

“Tay! What are you doing here?!” He said loudly with a smile.

“Daddy!!” Taylor hugged him, and they entered the house, Chloe following them quietly.

Taylor sat her father down on a nasty looking couch and proceeded to tell him the events of the last hour. When she finished, he stood up and began pacing around, deep in thought. After about a minute, he spoke.

“Well, I see your problem. You can’t go to Central for help. So I guess it’s up to us to take care of this.”

Chloe couldn’t help herself. “You don’t think that SUV was all of them, do you?”

The man chuckled and turned to Taylor. “Is she trying to be funny.”

Taylor shook her head.

“Ha. She’s cute.” He just shook his head and kept talking. “Alright, I’m gonna have to load you two up with gear, and we’re gonna need to find out who it is that wants you dead. The best thing to do here is go on the offensive and take the out quickly and quietly.”

The girls nodded, and he exited the room. The girls jumped up and followed him downstairs. Chloe got there last, just as he turned on the lights for the basement. “Wow. That’s a lot of guns.”

So There's This Girl....

So there's this girl....I really like her. A lot. And she likes me, too. Not sure how much, though. But I know it's enough.

And the funny thing is that she's been there the whole time. It just took me going through a rough time to realize how amazing she is. And let me tell you, that's a lot.

And you know what's great? It's like we're on the same level on everything. We both put God first in everything, and we both think the same about boundaries and how we should handle a relationship. But we haven't started one yet. Just give it time. We'll get there.

Anyways, just thought I'd let everyone know why I'm so happy.
: ]

Oh, new story on the way. Just as soon as I have time. Maybe on the way to Arkansas.....I don't know. It'll get here when it gets here.

Some Things I've Learned

OK, so these past few weeks have really showed me some stuff, really opened my eyes. Like, we shouldn't chase after someone we think we want SO bad. Because if they don't want us back, it's not worth it. Sometimes we can be so wrapped up in finding the best, we don't understand that we already have it. It's right there, we just don't want it to be that easy. And maybe it's not the most convienent thing, but it's worth it. I promise. Because while "the hunt" may be fun, it's pointless if you come back with nothing to show for it. More than likely you'll just end up shooting yourself in the foot. So just stay home, there's plenty to eat in the fridge. OK, so maybe that last analogy was a little off, but do you get my point? It's so incredibly pointless for us to chase after that someone that you think will complete you, when really, you're already whole. So here's my advice to those of you currently chasing down a prey that's a little faster than you: Just sit back and look. Take inventory. You'll be surprised with what you found. I know I was. I was surprised and insanely happy. You will be too.

Just some thoughts. They probably won't apply to everyone who reads this. But they sure will for some.

My Life

Alright, so this past weekend was Manley's Fall Retreat. This was the second year I've gone, and it was yet again amazing. The theme was "Be Still With God," which was good for me, since I couldn't do anything due to my leg. This is an area that I do need to work on. I'm not completely leaving God in the dark, but sometimes it's almost as if I don't even give Him the time of day. Well during my past few quiet times, one of the things I've been asking God is what He wants me to do with my life. I've really been confused with what I want to do lately, and I think it was because I was pretty much leaving God out of the equation. After really listening to Him, I feel like I know what He's calling me to. I think He wants me to use my love and talents in writing to share His word. I think I could really do something amazing with my writing talents and God behind me. I mean, if I could be anything close to what C.S. Lewis is, or even just get something published glorifying Him, I feel like it would be amazing. Because one of my biggest struggles isn't really sharing God with others, but bringing it up. If someone else does, I'll talk about Him forever. But I have trouble provoking the conversation. And writing about Him allows me to really express how I feel and the things He's done for me and is able to do for anyone.

Anyways, the point is that I believe this is what God is calling me to do with my life. Now just like most things, this can and probably will changed in the future. But know this: whatever I do will be in His name. I've thought of going into ministry, but currently, I don't feel like I'm spiritually mature enough to undertake that. But it's definitely still an option, because I love God, and I don't mind talking in front of people.

So in closing, I just ask that you guys pray for me. I'm praying for like forty people daily right now, so there's not much room for me to pray for myself right now. And pray for my leg, too, cause we're still not sure what's up with that.

Oh, and two more things. First, I highly recommend picking up the new 116 Clique album AMPED! cause it's flippin amazing. Also, at Fall Retreat I was given Oswald Chambers' daily devotional "My Utmost for His Highest." And if you don't have a daily devotional, CHECK IT OUT. It really is amazing. I can't believe how deep it's getting on verses I've heard one hundred times and never really thought about. And it's a great supplement to my quiet times. So check it out.

Alright, I'm out. I'm grounded for four weeks, so I'll be blogging pretty often in the times to come. So be on the look out. And I can't go see any movies in that time, so no I AM LEGEND or Beowolf, which I'm really depressed about. Anyways, remember to pray for me. Till next time, peace.

keith

Day. Night.

Day. This is when I question myself. This is when I try to correct, try to perfect myself for her eyes. I see her more than she sees me; I am looking, she is not. When I'm around her I'm different. I try to be myself, but doubt overcomes me. I am filled with the lies of my environment that I myself am not worthy. I try to talk to her. Too much, really. When she does not respond, it hurts. More doubt fills me. When I am with her, I am happy. I try not to show it, as not to promote and flaunt my feelings. If I hurt her, I hurt me. I only want her to be happy. I only aim to please.

Night. This is when I question her. I get angry at her, for she is the one with eyes shut tight, not I. Yet I always forgive her, and go back to blaming myself. More doubt. Night is a time for sleep, yet I do not. I can not. The doubt won't let me. The questions won't allow me the rest. I have an ever-enduring waterfall of thoughts flowing through my head. I drift into sleep and awake to another Day.

My Realization

I've finally realized why it is the good guys never get a chance. We read multiple E.E. Cummings poems today in class. They were all about the speaker's undieing love for a woman. And after reading each poem, I heard the same thing from almost every girl in the class: "Aw, why are there no more guys like that?" or "I wish I could find a guy like him!" And then I heard it: "All the good guys are dead..." That's when it hit me: Girls don't notice the nice guys until they're dead. Because then they wouldn't have to settle for them. Then it's convenient. So there it is, all the nice guys out there: We're doomed. It's not that nice guys finish last, it's that we never finish at all.

And don't even start to say that I'm just not noticing the girls that are noticing the nice guys, cause I am. One of my best friends has completely moved past that whole stage in life, and she sees the nice guys for who they are. But girls like that are the minority. And it's a tragedy.

Season Premiers

As of lately, I hardly ever have time to watch TV anymore. Due to homework and other things, I usually watch an hour of TV a day, which is usually devoted to one show every night, or maybe just the Colbert Report and Scrubs. In the past couple of weeks, though, I've seen three Season premiers of shows I already watch that look very promising: Heroes, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Family Guy.

Heroes:

Heroes premiered last night. Last year, I watched every episode religiously, and thought it was one of the freshest and most original shows since Lost started. In last nights episode, they picked up with most of the old characters, as well as a few new ones. I loved the way they picked up with Matt and Molly, not to mention Hiro and his quest. I thought the episode was good but boring all until the end. Then you get hit with another one of those famous Heroes endings. Claire's new friend can fly, Hiro's dad dies, but who killed him??, and finally, Peter's back. And he has no idea who he is or what's going on. Not to mention the fact that he was found by a bunch of Irish burglars in a ship crate. Once again, they left us hanging, as I'm sure they will in each episode this season. I'll be watching, will you?


Family Guy:


OK, so I've been watching Family Guy since season one started on FOX all those years ago. I own most of the seasons on DVD, and have stuck with them through the thick and the thin. And to be blunt, this episode was a pretty big disappointment in itself, but I find there to be hope in it. The episode was a one-hour special, just ripping off Star Wars. Now, this would be good, if it hadn't already been done forty thousand times. I will admit, there were some very funny parts, like Stewie's (Darth Vader's) conversation about the 2-meter wide hole, and the two guys conversation about the railing, and the whole couch thing. But for a one-hour special, they could have done a lot more.
Be this as it may, I see hope here. From this episode, it seems Family Guy is slowly turning away from their major characteristic of cut-away humor, in which someone says something like, "It was more dangerous than that time I went hunting with Dick Chaney!", and then it cuts to a funny scene of that. I think they're leaning more towards just funny conversational humor, as I've already mentioned. Now, this might have just been like that for this one episode, due to the subject, which would be great, because Family Guy is in a league of its own in cut-away humor. But if it's leaning more towards the latter, I'll just have to wait and see. Hopefully Family Guy can redeem itself in the following weeks.


It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

So last year, Sunny was one of my favorite shows. I didn't get to watch them as they premiered, but I watched them when I could. I found it's humor real and fresh, not to mention hilarious. So this year, I was stoked for the season premier. And it didn't disappoint. The best part about it is, every Thursday night, they have two new episodes. So if you don't like one, you're bound to like the other. So far, I've seen 4 episodes, and all four have been amazing. The new characters introduced work great with the originals, and the show seems to have kept it's fresh originality. I'll be tuning in for all the upcoming episodes. Personally, I can't wait for the "Dee Dates a Retard" episode, just to hear that glorious line from the commercial: "What? That's bananas, girl!"



So there you have it.

Love.

Love. It rocks. It sucks. It's every emotion you could ever feel, all at once. I feel like people are tossing this word around WAY too much. I mean, come on, people. Couples are dating for two days, and BAM! "I love you." That's bullcrap. Unless you're going out because you've loved them all along, and only just told them so. Because I do love someone, but we're not dating. I doubt we ever will. But I love her. And then there's friendship love. I have so many friends I would take a bullet for that I could die 20 times over. But I think love is deeper than that. I think love is not only doing that which loves drives you to, but NOT doing that which love tells you not to. Like telling someone you love just how you feel, but you know it would hurt them, so you don't say a word. Sacrifice is love. Sacrifice, yet somehow joy. That's love.

But then again, what do I know, right? For all I know, I'm not really in love. I could be far from it. All I know is that one day, I want to be in love with someone who loves me, and know it.


-keith

About Me

My About Me was too big to post on here, so I'm posting it as a blog. Here ya go:

Hey. My name's Keith Baker. My middle name is Edward, but if you call me that, I'll punch you in the face. First and foremost, I'm a Christian. I live my life for Christ, and everything I do, I do in his glory. I screw up a lot, but that's ok, cause J-Dizzle (Jesus) gots my back. I try to be Jesus to my friends, even though most of them are better Christians than I am. If you want to know more about God, just ask me. I'm 15, and my birthday is on April 3. I’m not sure what I want to do with my life yet. I want to do a few things. I want to serve my country, and open my own Airsoft store, and run my own Movie-reviewing website, and work in film, and even be a writer. Not sure which I’ll do yet, though. I love to drive. I feel free when I do. I love to make movies with my friends. Together, we are Slubss, Inc. Check out www.myspace.com/slubssinc. That's our movie site's page. If you want to see some of them, go to video.google.com and search for Slubss. Besides making movies, I love to watch them. I love to break down and analyze every movie I see, and I see almost every movie worth watching. Most of the time, I'll post a review here on my blog. I love listening to music. I don't like one genre in-particular. Anything with a good beat that's not obscene I can dig. Right now, I'm listening to Lecrae, Perfect Circle, They Might Be Giants, and Pillar. I also love to play video games. I have a nice PC and a Wii, and plan on getting a 360 eventually. I love Macs, even though I don't have one. I love to do things outside. Airsoft is a huge part of my life, and it consumes most of my budget. I play it any chance I get. Right now I have a CA/TM G36K hybrid, with a WE HiCapa 5.1 as a sidearm. I also love to play Ultimate Frisbee, or dodgeball, or anything on the trampoline. I know how to play Silent Football, and do so in TCBY quite often. I also love to play Mafia. Beach Camp is amazing. I'm always open to new things. I have no sense of smell. Whatsoever. Just like a blind person, only with smell. If you just thought, "Wow, he's so lucky," go jump into a volcano. If you want to know how it happened, read my blog or just ask me. I have some of the greatest friends possible. Justin, Gabe, Joe, Matt, Audry, Arielle, Adam, Connor, Ethan, Josh, Eric, Jason, and Taylor, just to name a few. I attend Manley Baptist every Wednesday night and some Sundays (if I don't go to my church). Brian Smith is an amazing Youth Pastor. Manley as a whole is amazing. I have one older sister, Katie, who is a senior in college. I also have a dog, Sarge, who is the world's fattest short-legged Beagle. I used to have an Albino hamster named Bertha but she died. :(. Doug is my hero. Some other random stuff: Freshman year sucked. West rocks. Mr. Greene was the best teacher I've ever had. Mr. Bowen was the funnest. Beach Camp rocks. BOOST. Whit is my slave master. Anchorman is a great movie to quote. Will Ferrel is an amazing actor. TEAM KEITH!! Macon Bacon. Arielle laughs too easily. Family guy is a great show. Audry has witchcraft. She taught herself it. Apparently, she's good friends with Harry Potter. They dated for a few months in Middle School. He dumped her cause she found out she was cheating on him with Ron Weasly. Ron was taller, so being the shallow person she is, she dumped the intellectually pleasing man for the physically pleasing man. Ever since then, Harry hasn't been the same. Audry hurt him bad. But it wasn't her fault. Audry was born with a birth defect where she does mean things, but they're not her fault, so therefore, she's not mean. We've tried to tell Harry this, but it doesn't make a difference. Even when that Asian chick kissed him in the last movie, it just made him miss Audry even more. Oh well, I guess he's a loser for not getting over it. Oh no!! Does that make me mean!?!?! Crap!!!! **Disclaimer: Audry is in no way mean or shallow. Except on the tennis court or during DDR. OK, I'm bored. That's all I'm gonna write. You can IM me at asmallchild88 or message me or call me, just ask for my number. I don't care. But talk to me. Cause I love to make new friends.

Resident Evil: Extinction Review

Hey, just realized I never said anything about the new RE. Me, Gabe, and his dad saw it last night. It was pretty good. I think it was about as good as the second one. The story was pretty solid, but you watch those movies for the zombies. And let me tell you, some AMAZING zombie deaths in the movie. Nothing like a shot of Alice, being seen through an infected's head after a shotgun blast. It's rated R, but it's not that bad. No nudity (although there almost is...she wakes up naked in a shower, but she covers everything.), and not even one F-bomb. But there is quite a bit of blood and gore.

All in all, a pretty solid film. Good hour and a half, well worth it, and very fun. Go see it if you like zombie flicks.

8.5/10.



-keith

Grow Up.

You know what pisses me off? Highschoolers. Most of them, anyways. I'm so tired of this crap. People need to grow up.

As in, guys need to stop treating girls like meat, and girls need to stop looking for the hottest guy and start looking for the one that would actually care about them. I'm so tired of hearing, "Yeah, I'm gonna go out with her and try to tap that." It gives those of us that aren't pigs a bad rep.

Like lately, Darnell has been asking me the same questions everyday, which I know he can't help since he's slightly autistic, but still. It always goes like this:

"Hey man, what's up?"

"Hey Darnell."

"Hey, you got a girlfriend."

"Nope, don't really need one right now."

"Ah, sorry man. You a virgin?"

"Yes I am."

"Ah, you get some soon enough man, don't worry."

"No, I won't Darnell."

"Ah, are you waiting till you married?"

"Yeah man, I sure am."

"Ah, that's cool, that's cool, that's how it should be anyways."

"Yeah, it is."

I mean, come on people. All girls ever talk about is how hot this guy is, or how sexy that guy is. Grow up. If everyone married based on looks, we'd have a world full of Paris Hiltons. Retard pretty people. And where would we be then? I'll tell you where: Highschool. A worldwide highschool.

I guess I'm just blowing off steam here, but I really think people need to understand this. You know who I admire? Priests. Because they give up everything about girls for God. But you know what? It's probably not very hard for them, because they were the nice kind of guys, and I'm betting very few of them got much attention from those of the opposite sex.

All I'm saying is grow up.

That Story I'm Writing: Chapter II

Chapter Two: On the Move

Gabe's plan was good, but it didn't last. They'd made a stronghold out of Keith's house. They bolted the doors, windows, and any weak spots were reinforced. They had plenty of food, as Keith had always been prepared for a nuclear fallout (which he someone figured he'd survive), and had plenty of dry food. Luckily, their water hadn't been shut off yet, and they weren't really short on anything. Using Keith's dad's old rifles and other guns, the guys took shifts going onto the roof, via the house's back deck and a ladder, and looking for things. What things? They hunted the creatures, which they were calling Raptors, due to the fact that the hunted in pacts and the way they ran. While on the roof, they also looked for other survivors, using some binoculars. Keith had an old radio, and through some local broadcasts, he'd learned some frightening news.

The Attack was worldwide. The Raptors obviously knew where to attack, as all major cities had it the worst. In a town like Morristown, Tennessee, where the group was holding up, there weren't as many. In their area, there was an estimated five hundred Raptors. That may seem like a lot, but compared to New York City or Chicago, that was a small family of the beasts. No news on exactly what they were or why they were here, as everyone was focused on survival.

There'd been talk of the group moving. They knew that they'd run out of food and ammo eventually, and they had no idea how long the water would continue to flow to Keith's house. Audry had suggested moving to the mall, as it held the most promise. Gabe and Keith were on her side, while Justin, Arielle, and Adam thought otherwise. "We should just wait this out here, while we're safe. I'm sure they'll be sending rescue choppers soon enough!" Justin had made his point. "Who said we're safe here? How many Raptors have been through this area so far? What, three? More could come at any second. Besides, who knows how long we'll last here with our current supply of food and water! And don't even mention a rescue! The rest of the world is fighting a war with these things! I don't think they're worrying about anyone in Morristown, Tennessee, on a roof right now! If we go to the mall, we'd have plenty of food, water, and anything else we'll need!" Audry had a counter for every point made so far. "Who said the mall's safe? You know how many people were there when the attack happened? Raptors are probably living in there by now, and besides, it's too open to hold up in any one place!" Adam had spoken. Now it was Gabe's turn. "Well, there are two levels in the mall, and only a few elevators to get to the second level. If we could get up there, and it was Raptor-free, all we'd have to do is turn off the elevators and they couldn't reach us!" Justin threw his hands in the air, "Well, let's just go talk to Keith about it, I mean, this is his house and all!"

The five of them made their way to the back deck, as Keith had roof-duty. They stated the dilemma to Keith, and he thought for a minute. "Alright, why don't we just wait it out here a little longer, and if we run out of water, or run into any trouble, we make a break for the mall?" The group considered this, and one by one agreed. They were about to re-enter the house when they heard someone. "Hey! HEY!!! Over here, HELP!!!" The all looked in the field behind the house. Over a hill, they saw someone running. Keith looked through his binoculars. "It's a kid, our age," he explained. The boy reached the deck and raced up the stairs, then collapsed from exhaustion. "Who are you?" Arielle asked defensively. "My name…Is Connor. I live a few houses back. I've been hiding out there with my sister….one of them got in our house and got her… I made a break for it." Suddenly the group was alarmed. "Did it follow you here?" Justin asked quickly. "Not sure….didn't look back…just….kept running."

Before anyone could say anything else, Keith let out a nice, long, dramatic, "CRAP!!!" They all looked at him. His gaze went from the binoculars, to them, and he pointed in the direction from which Connor had come. The group followed his finger, and saw multiple Raptors coming. "Uhhhh….." Justin wasn't sure what to say. "Five of them, coming fast. And they look hungry." Keith wasn't wasting any time. "Ladies, inside, guys, everyone grab a gun. We'll see if we can hold them off." Keith was taking charge. Justin handed rifles to Adam and Gabe, but was hesitant to give one to Connor. "Do you know how to use one of these?" Connor didn't have time to learn. "I'll figure it out," he said while taking it out of Justin's hand. Justin got his own firearm, and took place next to the others. "Good luck," Audry said as she closed the door. "We'll need it," Adam whispered under his breathe. "When they reach that tree nearest us, open fire. When one goes down, don't give the others time to react. If they get to close, we'll go inside and see what happens." None of the guys said anything, only nodded and took aim. A very long, intense moment went by, and then they opened fire. At first, the Raptors didn't take notice. Then, one of them was hit multiple times in the chest, and fell to the ground, sliding to a halt. One of the others stopped and looked back, confused, but then continued. They were able to kill two more before time ran out. The last two Raptors charged towards them, gaining too much ground, too fast. They raced in the house, but Connor hesitated. "Hey, let's go!" Justin yelled to get him moving. But he was too late. As Connor reached the door, they were upon him. Justin closed the door, and they watched as Connor was eaten. Audry and Arielle entered, but Keith and Gabe held them back from looking outside. "OK, so what now?" Adam asked. "Well, when they've finished their meal, it won't take them long to figure out how to get through a wooden door," a blunt answer from Keith. "We need to move, now, before they have time to think," Gabe knew how it had to go. Justin nodded, "I'll drive."

They bolted out the front door and loaded into Justin's car. Within seconds, Justin was flying down the road, nearing the highway. It was a twenty minute drive to the mall. Assuming they made it.

What they past was Hell on Earth. Buildings they all knew where over run with Raptors or on fire. Justin only sped up, wanting to get through as fast as possible. They didn't see any other cars, besides the ones littered on the side of the road, abandoned mid-attack. They reached the mall sooner than expected, due to Justin's extreme driving skill. They pulled in beside the side entrance. "OK, how are we gonna do this?" Audry asked the question on everyone's tongue. "Alright, I'll go in and check it out. If it's all clear, I'll come out and wave you guys in. If not, I'll come out screaming, jump in the car, and then we run." Silence filled the car. "What if…." Justin didn't need to finish his question. "I don't come back? Give me five minutes. It shouldn't take long." They nodded, and Gabe opened the door. "Well guys, wish me luck, I'll be back in five minutes or not at all."

"Good luck." The group collectively said their goodbyes, and without hesitation, Gabe entered the mall.

No one said anything for the next four minutes. At the four minute mark, Justin chimed in. "One minute left." Arielle answered him. "Are we really gonna leave him after five minutes?"

"Well, I suppose we could go in after him…" The conversation dropped there. Five minutes passed. No one said anything. After another minute and a half, Gabe exited the mall, drinking a Coke. "Sorry I'm late guys, but I was real thirsty, and water just wasn't doing it for me." The group smiled, but no one laughed. Justin turned off the car, and they entered the mall. They were in.

So there's chapter 2. Tell me what you think. I'm still totally open to suggestions and critisism. Let me know.

-keith

That Story I'm Writing: Chapter 1

So I got bored and started writing this story about me and some of my friends. If you're not in it and want to be let me know. More that likely, you already have a part to play, just not yet. On, and Amanda isn't based on anyone. She's just someone I could kill off easily. Tell me what you think. I still need a title and am open to suggestions of where the story should go from here.


"Hey guys, ya ever put butter in between your toes and wiggle 'em?" To most, that question may seem weird. But to the one who asked it, and to those who were asked, it was normal. "No Adam, I'm afraid I haven't," was the collective answer. The conversation could have been carried on, but the group let it die, as no one really wanted to talk about butter and toes at the moment.
There were seven of them, all sitting in the shade of a large oak tree. All were panting and sweaty, drinking water as to not die of dehydration, as they were all sure they would. But hey, after such an intense game of Ultimate Frisbee, you would be just as thirsty.
Four guys. Adam, he always had something to say, and it usually had nothing to do with the topic on hand. He was tall and skinny, but a great runner, and a better Frisbee player. Justin, he was the oldest. He was the college kid with the nice car, nice clothes, and good looks. A black belt in Karate, he was in excellent shape, too. Gabe was the one with all the good ideas. He could make anything out of any materials, and it would look good. Keith was the creative one. He was always thinking of new things to do and coming up with new ideas.
Three girls. Audry was the athletic one. She played soccer on the school team, and always seemed to be hyper. Arielle laughed too easily. She was always in high spirits, even if she was doing something she hated. Amanda was smart. She knew the answer to everything, and had no problem letting you know.
The seven of them did things together all the time. From playing Ultimate Frisbee, to making movies, to playing Silent Football, they were all great friends. And they had been, for a long time. And they would be forever. Or, would have, that is, had it not been for the attack.
So there they were, in the shade of the Oak tree, Adam trying to start conversation. "Okay, so say you have to pick one thing to eat for the rest of your life…" Keith bit. "Let's see, Adam. I'd probably have to pick spaghetti. It's just a great food item!" Now Justin's interest had been sparked. "What? How can you say that? What about a Subway sandwich? They're amazing!" Audry was about to pipe in, but was cut off with a loud sound, like a jet suddenly passing over them. They stood up and walked out of the shade of the tree, and looked up. A large stream of black smoke was floating like a dark cloud looming over them. They followed the cloud with their eyes. It ended about two hundred yards away from them, in what looked like a small crater.
Well, being the curious bunch they were, they instantly grabbed their drinks and started jogging towards the crater. "Hey, you guys think we should call someone?" Gabe asked the lot. "Nah, we'll see what it is. That way we get the big interviews on the news," Keith answered, already thinking ahead. The closer they got, the bigger the crater seemed to get. They reached the edge of what now seemed like a canyon and looked down. Audry gasped. Arielle almost fainted. Justin pulled out his phone to get a picture.
What was in the crater? Well, it was hard to tell. There was an orb like thing, glowing green all over. At one point, there was a door-like opening with an exit ramp. But what was going to exit? The question boiled in each of their minds. Justin's phone sounded, taking a picture. Then they got their answer.
What came out wasn't human. But it was close. It looked like something that was desperately trying to be human, but didn't quite get it right. For one, it had an extra leg where it's butt should have been. Not to mention its face. Two fangs protruded the mouth, looking frighteningly sharp. The eyes were set too far apart. And the hands, those were crazy. Claws, two on each arm. They looked ready to tear limbs off. The creature stepped into the crater, followed by a second creature, which looked identical to the first.
Justin took another picture. The sound was quite. But at that moment, it was thunderous. The two things heard it and looked at the group. Without hesitation, the two started running, awkwardly at that, up the side of the crater. Headed right for the group. "RUN!!!" Keith screamed, as he turned and pushed Audry ahead, snapping her out of shock. They began to run full speed back to the tree. "What now?!" Gabe asked frantically and out of breathe at they neared the tree. "Justin, get your car keys, we gotta go!" Justin nodded. "Wait! Where's Amanda??" Arielle had stopped, looking back. The rest of the gang followed her gaze. Amanda had tripped, but had been too scared to scream. Now she stared at the monsters as they gained on her with alarming speed. "Amanda!!! Get up and RUN!!!" Audry screamed, knowing Amanda wasn't fast enough to escape them now.
All too quickly, they were upon her. They stooped over her. One of them pointed at the gang, and then grabbed her by the head and twisted, breaking her neck. Arielle fainted, Justin barely caught her. Audry screamed. Gabe closed his eyes and turned away. The monster began ripping her body to shreds, pulling out the innards and eating them like a Chinese buffet.
The group realized the other monster had been steadily making his way towards them. "Justin, carry Arielle! I'll drive!" Keith yelled. Justin nodded at tossed him the keys as they began moving to his car. They reached the vehicle, a 4-door Pontiac G6. Keith jumped in the driver's seat, while Gabe got in the passenger. Adam, Audry, and Justin got in the back, with Arielle coming to just in time to squeeze in between Adam and Audry. Keith started the car and threw it into reverse. He peeled out of the parking lot just as the monster reached them and leapt towards the car. It missed the car by mere feet, but Keith was gone. Flying towards his house, doing sixty on a 25 MPH road. "Hey! Watch it!" Justin yelled, weary of letting Keith drive his new car. "Look, we need to get to my house and figure out what that was and what's going on. Gabe, call 911 on your cell and see what they know." Gabe whipped out his phone and dialed 911. He hung up a few seconds later, looking surprised. "It's just a recording saying they're experiencing technical difficulties. "Yeah, if you call technical being attacked by aliens…" Adam said with a hint of anger. Audry snapped at him, "Adam, we don't need your sarcasm right now." He retaliated with, "Who's being sarcastic?"
"Amanda just DIED!!!" Now it was Justin's turn. "Look guys, we need to stay calm. We have no idea what those things were. They could be all over the city, or America, or even the world. And yes, Amanda's gone, but hey, who's gonna miss her?" The gang nodded and all responded with something similar to "Yeah, true…" None of them had been really fond of Amanda anyways.
They reached Keith's house a few minutes later. They raced inside the empty house and turned on the news. All the TV stations were out, showing a similar "Technical Difficulties" picture. He grunted and turned off the TV, throwing the remote at the couch. "Alright, so what are we gonna do?"
"I say we head into town, see how big this 'attack' is." Arielle said. "Well, it's obviously pretty big if the TV stations and 911 are out." The group went silent for a moment, until Gabe chimed in with an idea. "Alright, I think I know what we should do." All eyes turned to him, and Justin probed, "Please, do tell."
"Well, we'll need guns, ammo, lots of food, and a ladder."

Lay Low, Those Without Accents.

So we had to write a satire in English over the weekend. If you don't know, a satire is a story that makes fun of human weaknesses, such as greed, celebrities, the war, ect. I decided to combine a bunch and this was the outcome. Justin thinks I should take this story to Bush (along with someone who can read it to him) so he can see what is to come of the world.

Jonathon was tired. He’d been running for days now. He’d tried to stick to wooded areas, but there was so little of it left that he often found himself exposed. Exposed to what? Any number of things. The coldness. Celebrities behind the wheel of a car. A really fat guy, capable of eating John, if he could catch him. Someone spotting him, an American, and deporting him. From America. Oh, how the world had taken a turn for the worst in the last ten years. He thought back. Back to a time where everything was how it should be. Where Global Warming was only a myth. Where only 60% of Americans were obese. Where only a couple celebrities were getting DUI’s a month.

As the rest of the world watched, America had slowly gone down hill. Due to MTV, MTV 2, MTV 3, MTV 4, VH1, and multiple reality shows, Television began pumping more and more celebrities out, who all took part in a new “fad” of getting drunk and driving. At the same time as this was happening, Al Gore was growing in popularity. His views on Global Warming spread. Due to the success of his film, “An Inconvenient Truth,” he made a sequel, “A Fairly Convenient Lie.” This new film, being a lie, was viewed by more triple the people who saw the first. What happened next was truly unbelievable. Due to the rising obesity in America, food companies started building huge factories EVERYWHERE. These factories pumped out so much pollution, Global Warming got a jump-start. Slowly but surely, a new ice age ensued. Surprised by the fact that Global Warming was real, Al Gore, riding on his wave of popularity and truth, ran for President and won, with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Vice President. Apparently, “I Told You Guys So!” is a great campaign slogan, especially when said in an Austrian accent. During all of this, the attention of illegal immigration was somewhat deterred. The entire Mexican nation saw this as a great opportunity, and made a giant migration into America. Slowly, due to the lack of jobs, Americans slipped into poverty and died. They died of the cold, they died by being hit by a drunk Paris Hilton wannabe, they died of starvation, they even died by being eaten by other starving obese people. Slowly but surely, Americans became the minority. Those that were left headed for the only place suitable to live in. The only place that was use to the harsh, cold weather. The only place polite enough to accept them. The only place where celebrities fled from, instead of to. Americans fled to Canada.

That’s where Jonathon was headed. He dreamed about it at night. He’d even started saying “eh” while talking to other refugees he met up with, as to fit in better upon his arrival. He went from camp to camp, a sort of secret Underground Railroad. Hispanics who were legit US citizens held them in their basements overnight. It was nice in there. They had TVs, with old DVDs of Lost and Family Guy. All that was on TV nowadays was rap music videos, news, and Spanish game shows. He rarely slept peacefully, though. Most nights were spent in an old abandoned Weight Watchers building, or something of the sort. Now the sun was rising-day time. That was always a challenge.

He was coming to the end of the forest he was in. The sound of a highway had steadily grown for the past few miles. Now he was upon it, crouching behind a bush, waiting to cross. About fifteen minutes later, he got a break. He bolted for the other side. He’d just made it halfway across when he heard the horn. He glanced left right before a drunken Dakota Fanning hit him with her new BMW. Luckily, she was driving in a school zone and wasn’t TOO wasted, so she was only going around 50 MPH. He awoke some time later.

The smell of smoke is what woke him. He sat up, rubbing his head. As his thoughts cleared, he became aware of the immense pain in his leg. It was surely broken. But another thought was controlling him right now. Where was he??? It was very dark, but he knew he was no longer on the road. He looked around, and noticed a campfire in the distance. He assumed-or rather hoped-it was a refugee camp who had picked him up. Suddenly, he was aware of movement coming his way. It was coming fast and hard. Just as it cleared a bush not ten feet from John, it was shot. He tried to look at what it was in the dim moonlight, and figured it to be a polar bear. They’d become common in these parts, crossing over ice bridges and traveling south for better hunting.

Then John realized what’d just happened. The Polar bear had been shot. Shot. Guns had died out, as they’d become too unreliable. These days, people just used dart guns, which injected a virus into their target, killing it instantly. But the polar bear had been killed by a gun. He’d heard it. He could smell the smoke. He looked behind him, and a man stood, leaning against a tree. “Hey kid. Awake, I see. How’s that leg feel?” Ignoring the question, John started to interrogate the man. “Who are you? Where’d you come from? Why’d you save me? Where did you get a gun??”

“What, this old thing?” The man held the gun out. It was a revolver. A classic. As he stepped into the moonlight, John examined him. He had grey hair, and hadn’t shaved in a few days. He was wearing blue jeans and a white shirt. And he was smoking a cigar. He was an old-timer.

The man continued. “Well, I was just passing by, and saw you get hit by that over-paid drunk, so I pulled you off the street and looked after you while you were out. Now that you’re up, I figure I’ll be on my way. I’m heading north to Canada, but I guess you are too, huh?” Jonathon slowly nodded. “Well, I reckon you can tag along if you like. I wouldn’t mind having someone to talk to about the way things used to be. About how they should be.” John thought about this a moment, and finally agreed. “So what’s your name, old man?”

“Ah, back in the day, they used to call me Mr. Clinton. But you can call me Bill.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m John.”

It looked like John had found himself a traveling partner. And he seemed to be one who knew what he was doing.