A Christmas Story

OK, so I was asked to write a story by my apparent new-best-friend Meghan. So I did the first little bit, then enlisted (My friend who wishes to remain anonymous for his own reasons)'s help. Here's what we came up with:


Ethan was laying in his bed. Pretending to be asleep. It was Christmas Eve. Almost midnight, now. Ethan lay there. Waiting. He was your average ten-year-old. A little fat, but hey, what's new? Ethan had been preparing for this night for weeks. He'd figured it all out. His parents were Santa! At first, this realization crushed Ethan. But eventually, he began to see it as an opportunity. Being the fatty he was, he was going to sneak out of his room and to their tree, once his parents had gone to bed. Being the fatty he was, he was planning on stealing the cookies. His watch alarm went off. It was time. He slid out of bed and into the hallway. He crept down the stairs, like a fat little ninja. Finally, he reached the living room and saw the cookies. Sweet, sweet victory. He began to stuff his face right away. Suddenly, he heard something. His parents? No, this sound was.....well, it was something he'd never heard before. It was as if someone was on the roof. But that's crazy! Who would be on his roof on Christmas Eve! He went back to eating his cookies, but only briefly before hearing something else. This came from behind Ethan. He slowly turned, the hair on his neck standing on end. A rustle, and then a crash. When the smoke and dust from the chimney cleared, Ethan saw him.

He couldn't believe it! It was SANTA! Right there, in Ethan's own living room. He was fully decked out in his red robes and everything! Santa stood up and dusted himself off, then he noticed Ethan. He gave a jolly grin and a "Ho, Ho, H-". He stopped. "Hey, are you eating my cookies!?" Ethan slowly nodded. "Why you little fatty!"

Santa jumped on the boy releasing a sudden cry. He proceeded to whip out two crude elf blades and with a quick slash managed to hack off one of poor little Ethan’s fat rolls. Ethan, mortally wounded and losing blood by the gallons, somersaulted out of the way with the agility of a small, retarded, three legged, blind, hairless, cat. Now out of harm's way, Ethan scurried to the kitchen in search of weaponry. He opened the first cabinet and found four shurikens. "This will never do," he exclaimed, and hurled them wildly away. Luckily, one of them managed to puncture the lung of his dog, Barney. Ethan had to act fast, as it wouldn’t be long before- oh wait, never mind, Santa had already reached the kitchen. Ethan, in a state of panic, looked under the sink and found an array of disinfectant sprays and rat poison. He picked them up and threatened to kill Santa. Santa stopped and began to laugh at the futile attempts at life this unusual little boy was trying to accomplish.

While he was doing so, Ethan suddenly leaped toward him with a series of front flips spraying the deadly poison into his eyes. Santa became partially blinded. He tried to hack the boy into pieces but his vision was a blur. Not to mention, Ethan had watched the entire series of "Highlander" the day before (it was a special on TNT), so he was accustomed to this sort of thing. With the upper hand, Ethan ran to the sink and turned the water on (don't worry, he had something up his sleeve). Meanwhile, Santa was still flailing around shouting a number of profanities. Ethan ran to the toaster and threw it in the sink, then the microwave, and then his easy bake oven which he had received from his Aunt Beth at birth (she thought his parents would have a girl..pft, guess not). He ran to the china cabinet and started throwing all of the priceless dish ware at Santa, slowly corning him into the electrified death trap. Santa shouted, "MY EYES ARE ACTUALLY BURNING THEMSELVES INTO MY BRAIN!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!" He stumbled for a moment and then found the sink. "Thank goodness," he said. Santa dunked his face into the water, receiving 14 million volts of electricity (13 million coming from the easy bake oven alone). Ethan turned away from the horrifying sight. Santa’s body shot across the room leaving a path of destruction and assorted entrails. The room went deathly quiet. Ethan crept toward the mutilated, smoldering carcass of the once jolly old fat man. He knelt down beside him and unleashed a fury of punches and shanks. The body just laid there motionless. The boy, now out of breath, stood up and headed towards the bathroom to attend his wounds.

He limped into the bathroom and shut the door. As he turned to the mirror, a rain of terror swept over him. There, right behind him, with a nail gun, was Santa. A really, really pissed off Santa. Ethan tried to scream, but Santa covered his mouth. He nailed Ethan’s chubby feet to the ground and laid his face on the toilet seat. Shouts for mercy came crying out of Ethan, but after receiving 14 million volts of electricity, Santa wasn’t in the mood. He raised his big ol’ boot and curb stomped the little fatty into the toilet. Teeth, blood, and tears covered the bathroom floor. Santa lowered his head and whispered, "Merry Christmas, motha -" but was cut off when Ethan turned his head spat in Santa’s face. "I’ll never give up!" he cried. Santa shook his head, "I am going to inflict so much pain upon you this day! When I am done, you will be on your knees begging for mercy! You will regret you had ever been born! You will wish you had never crawled out of the sanctity that was your mother’s womb! On this day you will experience a whole new world of pain! Nay, a whole new spectrum of pain! Like a rainbow! A beautiful rainbow of PAIN!"

Fortunately for Ethan, he had gone unconscious half way through. Santa sighed, "I grow tired of this setting. I think I will take you back to my place where I shall have my way with you! Ho ho ho!" He hurled the body onto his back and carried it to the living room fireplace. Before he could escape with the boy, a voice called out to him, "Santa! What the f*** are you doing here?" Santa turned around- there stood Ethan’s parents. "We were doing just fine before you f***ing came along! Little Ethan didn’t suspect a thing! And what’s this? You ate our f***ing cookies!?" They were obviously pissed (and atheists, by the way). Santa shrugged and said, "Did you really think you would be able to keep up the Santa act for that long? You're both so naive. Oh well, I guess I have to kill the two of you now. What a drag." The parents turned to each other and smiled. The Dad looked back sharply at Santa and said, "I think killing us will be a little harder than you think." Little did Santa know that both of Ethan’s parents were Kung Fu masters...and they were black.

Santa, unaware of this, assumed his defensive stance and readied himself for the parents attack. The battle was so freaking epic, like the final battle in the Lord of the Rings. Spears, bullets, rocks, Haduken!'s, beams of energy, small plastic objects, pieces of metal, a box with every last copy of Mandy Moore’s greatest hits, Connors, midgets, encyclopedias, pencils, knives, and orphans were all used in various fashions. The battle lasted into the wee hours of the night.

Almost dawn. The rain was coming down hard now. Santa was tired. His robes had become quite heavy due to the moisture. There was no more running. It had to end here. Now. He looked across the roof. There stood Ethan and his parents. The father stood in front, protecting his family. Santa didn't want to kill them. But he had to. They had to die. It was as it had been foretold. Santa slowly reached behind his back and pulled out a 9-mil pistol. Instantly, the father's expression went blank. He stepped forward, holding out his hand, as if to stop the bullet. "Now, hold on, Santa, nobody has to die her-" The gunshot stopped him. Actually, the bullet stopped him. He grabbed his chest and fell to the ground, dead. Reality sunk into Ethan's mom. "David!!" She ran to him, but did not reach him. Santa got her right between the eyes. She slumped next to David's body. Things were quiet. Ethan just stood there silently. He looked at Santa. One tear slid down his cheek. "No. Not like this." He ran towards Santa, screaming. Crying. Santa yelled for him to stop. He didn't want to kill the boy. Just as Ethan reached Santa, he fired. Ethan stopped. He looked at his stomach, the blood. Then back at Santa. "I looked up to you," he said. Then his eyes rolled back, and he joined his parents. Santa fell to his knees and began to cry. He lay there, crying, for a good hour. Realizing all of his sanity was finally gone. What would Mrs. Clause think? It was over. He couldn't cover this one up. Things had gotten too messy. It was over. He realized this was the end of the line. So he decided to go out with a bang. That was the night. The night Santa went crazy.

And finally, we leave you with this video, showing the aftermath of that fateful night. Showing you this aftermath....in SONG!

Just some thoughts.....

OK, so first off, being not-grounded is quite nice. I've been slacking off on posting blogs for a while, but I've been extremely busy. So I'm just gonna mention lots of different things here.

First off, the weekend before this last one, I saw Dan In Real Life. Twice. Man, it's a really good movie. It's kinda like The Invisible in the sense that it got very little publicity, and that it owned. I just like Steve Carell too much to have passed it up. And Dane Cook did a pretty good job in it, too! So yeah, I recommend you go see it. Definitely worth it.

Then, this weekend, I saw I Am Legend. Twice. I have to say, I'm giving Best Movie of the Year to this one. Will Smith continues to be an amazing actor, and since pretty much the movies success in its entirety is put on his shoulders, I'd have to say he did fantastical. I mean, this movie had it all. Gorgeous CGI effects, nice scares, comedy, and overall depressing, yet meaningful points. You really get the feel of how lonely he is. And, for the first time in SEVEN YEARS, I cried while watching this movie. I couldn't help it. But go watch it, you'll understand why. I give it a 10/10. Oh, and if you have a chance to see it in Imax, do it.

OK, now on to what's been going on in my personal life. Dang. School's been kick'n me in the balls lately. Finals are tomorrow and Wednesday, then we're out of school. And it's killing me. Between studying, homework, sleeping, and having some down time, I'm just worn out. And I'm really ready to be done with school. Really, I can't wait until Wednesday. Lock out, baby! It's gonna be the balls. I can't wait to see Taylor, Joe, and all of them. But mostly Taylor. And me and Joe are gonna have to catch up on our sexy-times.

All in all, I'm just ready for a break. I'm extremely exhausted. I need to catch up on my quite times, and put more focus on God.

Lastly, we're working on a new project for Slubss Inc. It's a line-by-line copy of the Boy Meets World episode "And Then There Was Shawn." We're doing it at school, hopefully Wednesday when we get out early, before the lock out. So be on the look out for that, cause it should be pretty awesome.

OK, I'm done. For now. I'll probably be posting a lot more over the break and around Christmas.

Oh, and if you want to start playing airsoft with us, let me know. We got our team rules together, and they're awesome.

Remember, love is happiness.


Haha.